Okay Thomas – here you go.

I suppose I’ll start at the beginning.  Let’s see.  Christmas break was hectic.  I thoroughly enjoyed seeing the family.  My current relationship with my dad is awkward, to be optimistic, but I feel a sort of false, implied understanding with him nonetheless.  I even got to spend some time in CoMo.  Spent new years with the camp kids.  Camran, Tebby, Amy, Bunge, Kemnitzer.  I love those guys.  Bonded with Stephanie and Samson who are two of my all-time favorite people and are getting married in July – to each other.  Even spent a day smoking, loafing, and eating good food with the ex.  Still a good friend.  Bonded with the Mudge.  She’s a goodin.  She even volunteered to drive me to the airport at 3 am like a trooper.  Made it back to FL in one piece only to peel off layers of clothing and soak up the palm trees the second I got off the plane.  I really love the weather here.  It was even good to see the roomies again.  I live with two solid guys.  Not solid as in built.  Just solid as in they make for good times.  Yup.  So then it was back to the grind.  Teaching German.  Philosophy grad school.  TAing intro to philosophy (that’s right – I have my own discussion sections; scary).  The usual.  (I guess I should back up.  I met a boy.  Yeah.  Like back in November.  You know, it’s funny.  I had a new years resolution in 2004 never to date anyone I wasn’t really interested in.  I know this probably sounds stupid, but it changed my life.  Anyway, so I met a boy at the atheist club on campus back in November and we hit it off quite well.  I got attached ridiculously quickly but was super careful about not tipping him off.)  By the time school started again, it had gotten to the point where neither one of us was willing to show any signs of weakness.  We had pissing contests, as in, to see who could make the other feel less significant.  Anyway, to make a long story short, eventually he broke, and then I broke.  I broke down.  I’m not even really sure what happened, but I had a meltdown.  In retrospect, I think it had something to do with not feeling like I was in control of my life.  I was really feeling bogged down with school at the beginning of the semester.  I’m not liking my professors this semester.  I’m not particularly enjoying my classes either.  And I hit a point where I felt like I was in grad school because I didn’t really know what else to do.  Because I don’t really feel like I have any other options.  Both of my jobs are very committal.  I can’t quit.  I’m in it for the long haul.  Anyway, I felt so trapped.  And then, BAM, Ryan brought the pissing contest issue to the forefront and I stopped.  I had to stop and relinquish control over those things I have no control over (i.e. which profs I have this semester, Ryan) and taking back control over those things I can control.  I think I may have been desperately groping for control wherever I could get a good hold.  And I ended up fucking up the only aspect of my life that I was really happy with.  So I went to work.  I got the action on my guitar adjusted.  It’s now 10 times easier to play.  It’s like a whole new toy.  I bought a road bike off a dude from craigslist.  It’s a total 70s number.  An aluminum Schwinn.  I named her Jesse.  I’m reading a paper at my very first philosophy conference in Tallahassee next weekend.  No big deal, but hopefully a door to bigger things to come.  I decided I will do the readings and not dwell so much on the mere 3 painful hours a week I actually have to spend in each class.  And I will be a good teacher.  I will be on top of the material for German and intro.  And I decided to get into shape.  Yoga and/or pilates 4-5 times a week.  Intramural soccer every Tuesday.  And riding my bike instead of driving whenever possible.  It’s been a good endeavor, and if nothing else I sleep better.  And no more pissing contests.  I don’t do vulnerable, but I’m working on allowing my feelings to be a little more transparent.  Anyway, I guess that’s all.  I'm making some changes.  I’m busy as fuck, but a lot of it is full of good friends and making time for chosen activities/people.  I plan to do some rock climbing, canoeing and maybe even scuba diving before the summer arrives.  It’s all in the works.  So now you know.

Currently Reading Mrs. Dalloway By Virginia Woolf see related

I’m getting to that age.  You know the one…  where it becomes acceptable to date “middle-aged men.”  Where you start to worry about “where your life is headed.”  Where you quit even caring what “new music” has come out in the last year, because you’re pretty sure that you already have all the good stuff.  I’m getting to that age where you are willing to do just about anything to avoid feeling static.  I feel very static.  I need an Asia.  Or a breakthrough.  Or an unplanned midnight excursion.  Those used to be semi-weekly.  But I’m getting to that age.  People have norms and schedules and obligations and boring lives.  They’re getting to that age too.  People are getting married.  I wouldn’t say it’s jealousy; it’s more like bafflement.  Have you ever watched an infomercial?  I mean really watched one?  And thought about what the people say?  And more importantly what most Americans want to hear?  People waste away their existence for comfy mattress sets and zit cream so that lemming life will be more bearable.    Miracle pills and get rich quick schemes.  Is this what America is working for?  I think Calvinism was a better motivation.  I’m getting to that age where I spend a lot of time feeling guilty about the way I live my life.  There are things I want to change, improve, learn.  I remember feeling motivated.  I remember feeling like I was headed somewhere.  I remember not having any qualms about talking to strangers and feeling like I could be anyone’s good friend for 15 minutes.  But I’m getting to that age where you respect the social norms and the privacy of others and the fact that we’re all just disenchanted workers getting through the day.  I’m getting to that age where I have to push with all my might.  And I’m pushing.

Currently Listening 20 Jahre: Nena Feat. Nena By Nena 99 Luftballoons see related

Hey kiddos.  Long time.

So here’s the update.  My crazy series of road trips was amazing – exactly what I needed.  It’s good to be welcomed with a giant hug everywhere you go for an entire month.  I definitely have some amazing friends.  The first trip I set out on alone – from Columbia, MO to Chicago to see Camran and WPW, then to Minoqua, WI to see my alter ego - the Mudge - then to KC to do laundry and meet my mom and hop a plane to NC.  It’s a very freeing feeling to cover that much land in such a short period of time; especially when you are alone and in a shitty-ass car.  Something about spending that much time bonding with yourself alone in a car and stopping along the way to see your favorite people while simultaneously living on the edge of disaster that makes you want to pick life up and hug it.  Amazing.  So then I spent the next week lounging on white, sandy beaches with my mom in NC and hanging out with my big sis Chris whenever she didn’t have to work, which is basically only when she’s sleeping.  (Chrissy’s my favorite; I hope she comes and lives with me in December.)  Once I got back to MO, my dad, uncle, and gma picked me up for a road trip to Indianapolis.  I must say that this trip was less than riveting, but I wanted to bond with the fam before I left MO forever.  (I should insert here that it was at this point that I had to move out of my apt, so I packed everything I own and shoved it in my car.  Whatever didn’t fit, I either gave away or threw away.  Then, I discovered my car was having problems and my friends and I decided we could fix it ourselves – I love you Samson, but never again)  So when I got back to MO, I was faced with needing to fix my car so I could actually get to FL in time for orientation and really wanting to go on this trip to CO with Phill.  We’d had a dramatic relationship, but the thought of having him all to myself for an entire week was un-turn-down-able.  So we left my car as it was, undrivable and full of everything I own, and took off for the mountains.  Just the three of us: me, Phill, and my favorite dog ever, Bailey.  To make a very long story short, I climbed my first mountain, Uncompahgre Peak, a 14er in the San Juans.  Absolutely amazing/beautiful.  I mean, a lot of the time it sucked balls, but that made it all the better in the end.  I fully plan on climbing more mountains in the future.  We mainly spent the rest of the week wandering around CO and camping.  With the help of a bottle of Bushmills, I embarrassingly professed my undying love and frustration with the history of our relationship.  It was at this point that I began to hate women and myself for being one.  Anyway, all in all it was a great trip – I had an amazing mountain climbing experience and I was able to get a lot of things off my chest.  To be honest, I’m still in love with this boy.  All my friends hate him.  ALL of them.  I don’t care.  I’m in love, and I have no control over these things.  Anyway, so after we got back to MO, Samson, Max and I started working on my car.  Over the course of the next three days, I learned a lot about drum brakes and wheel bearings and grease, oh my.  To make another long story short, I finally said my good byes to Stephanie and Samson (two of the nicest and most sincere, beautiful, happy people I know) and took off for Ozark and then for Florida.  I ended up leaving MO around 8 pm; I slept in my car in a hotel parking lot somewhere in TENN for about 3 hours and kept on trucking.  24 hours later, and I was walking into my new home and greeting two complete strangers who would be my roommates, at least for the next year.  As it turns out, they rock.  And our house rocks.  And the Philosophy department here rocks.  And Gainesville’s not so shabby either.  It’s funny how things work out.

So what should you take from this?  Graduate school is good and being a TA is good and I think I’m happy.  More on this to come.

Currently Reading Living without Free Will (Cambridge Studies in Philosophy) By Derk Pereboom see related

I'm only telling you this so that when my 1991 Plymouth Acclaim gives its last hiccup on the side of some random interstate in Tennessee, you'll know where to start looking.  My plans for the remainder of the summer:

July 13-14: Chicago, IL
July 15-17: Minocqua, WI
July 18-25: Salter Path, NC
July 27-30: Indianapolis, IN
Aug 1-10: Lost on a mountain in CO
After that: Gainesville, FL

I think I have to move out of my apt somewhere in there. 

I chased a pinecone boy ever since my sophmore year.  The last three months of my senior year, and I finally got him.  You know, every time I'm on the verge of almost having a sucessful relationship, I move.  Self-fufilling prophesy or just another sunrise?

Currently Reading Overthrow : America's Century of Regime Change from Hawaii to Iraq By Stephen Kinzer see related

I’m lost and anxious and I feel a little crazy.

It feels good.

I feel like I can be irrationally emotional again.

            I’m suddenly allowed.

It feels good.

I’m waiting to grab the bull by the horns –

            Or maybe just slink out silently.

I haven’t decided yet.

It feels good.